I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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