I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
