remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize