he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
