Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
