i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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