I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize