Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
