Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The power of my boobs compel you
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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