I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my being single is dangerous.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
