i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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