I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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