I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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