I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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