Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
