You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
