you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
FUCK WHALES
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
