I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
