I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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