Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like a drive thru vagina
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have fence marks all over my body
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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