just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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