forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
