I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
