I'm gonna have a badass scar
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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