if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
