She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
