she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
