Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
