He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
