Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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