i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
