Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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