You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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