Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
