he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
