You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
