He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize