I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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