Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
