What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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