OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
