I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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