Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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