Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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