just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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