I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
