I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
