I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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