I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
