worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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