When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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