I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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