How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize