Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
