I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
