Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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