I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
