I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
