I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
