Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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