perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
