Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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